


Dan is Actually an Affectionate Drunk

by memeberd



Category: Dan Vs.
Genre: (if you havent seen my other fanfic imposter dan is referred to as clarence), M/M, Oneshot, dan is a little shit, gross cute shipping material
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 19:46:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7697167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memeberd/pseuds/memeberd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sorry I don't make the rules. (This was written for self indulgent reasons and I don't actually know what Dan's like when he's drunk)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dan is Actually an Affectionate Drunk

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in the middle of an idea for a fic I had called "Dan vs Ted" (If you don't know who Ted is, he's mentioned in the first episode and his name also shows up on a few of Dan's lists) and that's basically it.

Dan wouldn’t normally get intoxicated during a revenge mission, but he hadn’t had a drink in months it seemed. Ted was working around this bar, and Dan wasn’t about to let an opportunity like this go to waste.

Now it wasn’t like Dan had never been to a bar, he’d been at plenty of bars. It had just been a while. He snagged five beer bottles from behind the counter when no one was looking.

“Dan,” Chris hissed from the other side of the table, they were both incognito. Well, actually, anyone who’d seen them before would recognize them; they were just wearing sunglasses. “What are you doing??” He asked as his partner began to down an entire bottle of beer.

He stopped halfway through the bottle with a sour look on his face and looked at Chris. “What does it look like??”

“Dan, you can’t mess this up, we’re supposed to be watching for Ted! And you don’t even like beer,”

“You don’t drink beer for the taste of it, Chris. You drink it because you want to run away from your responsibilities for a while. Now let me finish this one-” As Dan almost touched the bottle to his lips, Chris reached his fingers over the head of the bottle. “Hey!” Dan barked.

“I can’t let you do that, Dan.” Chris said. “If Ted walks in and spots you drunk you’ll be dead for sure!”

“Oh, please.” Dan scoffed, smacking Chris’ hand away. “I’m more alert when I’m drunk, plus, I deserve this.” The rest of the beer traveled down Dan’s throat as fast as possible, as if that’d keep him from tasting the bitter flavor.

“Dan, please, no more beer! You know you’re AWFUL at holding your liquor and if you get too drunk we have to go home!”

Dan gave Chris an impatient stare while opening his next beer.

“Dan.” Chris chided.

Dan raised a brow, and also the beer bottle to his lips.

“I’m not going to stop you, if you cause us to go home and scope out Ted another day, it’s on you!”

Dan set the bottle down to speak once more. “I’m fine with that.” He said, finally taking a quick swig from his bottle and wincing after it went down.

Chris was about to tell Clarence, the only person who was actually incognito (he was pretending to be a bartender and doing a good job at it too, he must’ve been one in a past identity) but sat back down, remembering he couldn’t leave Dan incase Ted came in and spotted Dan.

If Dan drank too much, he’d drag him to Clarence and then drop them off at Paradisio and go home himself.

“Hey, Chris,” Dan said after finishing his second bottle.

“Yeah, Dan?”

“Why don’t we ever visit your parents?”

“Dan, they moved out to the country, remember?” Chris smiled.

“Well,” Dan began, popping another bottle open and taking a sip. “Elise’s shitty parents lived on the other side of the planet and they came here to see you guys, what’s wrong with going over to visit your parents?”

“Yeah,” Chris thought to himself that Dan had a point. “We should visit them soon.” Chris smiled wider at Dan. “You miss ‘em?”

Dan tried to down as much beer as he could in one go; half the bottle, damn. “Well I’m not sayin’ I don’t! They were nice. And they’re probably cute old people now just pumping out pounds of meals they won’t be able to finish because they're too used to raising you.” Dan took another swig from his bottle. “We gotta up,” Dan caught himself. “go up there and eat their food, Chris.”

“Alright, Dan. We’ll visit them soon.” It looked like Chris was going to have to drag a drunken Dan to Clarence in the near future. Hopefully Clarence wouldn’t be upset, he seemed to be making friends with a lot of customers.

 

Dan held his fifth, and empty, bottle upside down. “Ugh,” Dan scoffed. “This was my last one, Chris!”

“I can’t believe you took five.”

“I could only FIT five!” Dan formed an idea and snickered. “You should totally go up there and steal some more for me.”

“I’m not stealing, Dan.”

“Aargshh!!” Dan waved his hands at Chris. “You’re not ssshhp,” He waved his hands again. “I’m steal..” Dan got up from his table and headed for the counter where he stole his first beers from.

“Dan, wait!” Chris called to his friend but to no avail. Jeez Chris, what effort.

As Dan approached the bar counter he noticed the cute friendly bartender with pretty blue eyes. The bartender looked over at him and smiled, those eyes of his were magical.

Dan smiled back at the bartender and removed his sunglasses, focusing his attention on him instead of getting more drinks. Dan sat at the counter and set his elbow down, resting his head in his hand as the pretty bartender came over to him.

“H’ve I seen you somewhere b’fore?” Dan slurred smoothly.

The bartender (who was actually Clarence in the garb of a bartender) smirked, leaning over the counter. “I dunno, don’t leave the bar much.”

Dan and Clarence snickered like children.

“Because, it’s almost like, I’m looking in a mirror.” Dan jokingly put a hand to his soul patch and touched his fingers to Clarence’s. The two laughed again, harder this time.

“You got any plans for tonight, slugger?” Clarence was still playing along with Dan’s drunken charade.

“Well, I was trying to get back at this guy, Ted, for tryina kill me…” Dan swung his legs in his seat. “Buuuut, if you catch a movie with me tonight.” Dan realised what he said didn’t really make any sense ten seconds after he said it. He blushed. “I mean…”

“How much have you had to drink, cookie?” Clarence asked.

“Five.”

“... Five what?”

“Five beers! Oviously, and that reminds me I need more-”

“Oh no,” Clarence shook his head. “Five is more than enough for you, Dan-o.”

“Aww, come on Clarence! Do you know how long it's been since I’ve had a booze?”

“You’re already drunk, silly! You don’t need anymore.” Clarence patted Dan’s cheek.

Chris joined them. “I think we should take him home, get revenge on Ted another day.”

Clarence finger gunned at Chris. “I was thinkin’ the same thing, Chris.”

Dan sat up. “Awh, WHAT?”

 

Clarence and Chris lead Dan to the car, helping him into the backseat.

“Would you guys sit in the back with me?” Dan asked, laying down on all the seats.

“One of us has to drive, Dan.” Chris said.

Dan looked in the direction of the steering wheel. “Pfff, I knew that.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll sit with him.” Clarence said to Chris.

“Alright.” Chris said, heading for the driver’s seat.

Dan thoughtfully moved his legs so Clarence could sit with him. After Clarence clicked his seatbelt, Dan sat close to him and rested his chin on Clarence’s shoulder, tiredly pressing his forehead to his temple.

“I didn’t expect you to be such an affectionate drunk, cookie,” Clarence purred.

“You’d be surprised, fluffy.” Dan growled before assaulting Clarence’s neck with sloppy kisses. Clarence cried out in surprise.

“You okay back there, Clarence?” Chris asked.

Shit, he somehow almost forgot Chris was there. Clarence giggled and pushed Dan’s face away.

“I’m okay Chris! Dan’s just getting a little-” Clarence made another strange noise when Dan started to kiss and lick his fingers. “He’s getting really affectionate,” Was it getting hot in here??

Chris started to get jealous, he needed to cuddle with Elise when he came home whether she was awake or not. “Well, we’re almost back.”

Dan started kissing up Clarence’s arm. “Oh, thank goodness,” Clarence’s skin was prickling with heat. He didn’t expect Dan to be capable of this type of physical contact without coaxing him.

Dan’s lips inevitably found their way back to Clarence’s neck. Laughter bubbled it’s way out of Clarence because, Dan’s lips and facial hair together really tickled, it tickled a lot. Clarence’s giggles only got louder.

“Dan, stop! We’re almost home!” Clarence whined, the car was getting hotter.

Dan huffed in protest against Clarence’s neck, sending shivers and goosebumps down the slightly taller man’s spine.

A shaky breath escaped Clarence's lips before he spoke again. “Don’t, give me that. You can be polite for once and wait, can’t you Dan-o?” His voice was sounding more flustered by the second.

Dan testingly kissed Clarence’s neck again. Clarence let out a soft whimper. Dan smirked and kissed there again.

“You think you’re so tough now, but wait till we get inside…” Clarence rasped.

“Is that a threat?” Dan asked right in Clarence’s ear.

Clarence shuddered, the way Dan’s voice vibrated in one’s ear was heavenly. And then, oh this really added the icing on the cake, Dan kissed his ear! Clarence moaned softly and leaned into Dan.

“I know you like it when I talk into your ear…” Dan purred, kissing Clarence’s ear again.

If Clarence’s ear could jizz, it would.

“Y-you do, huh?” Clarence asked stupidly.

The car finally pulled up to Paradisio after what seemed like hours of driving.

“Alright,” Chris said awkwardly. “we’re here.”

“Thanks for driving us back, Chris.” Clarence said, playfully shoving Dan away and undoing his seatbelt.

“No problem, Clarence. See you two- uhh, tomorrow?”

Clarence wasn’t sure if they’d see each other again tomorrow either. “Probably.” He said, helping Dan out of the car.

They said their goodbyes and then Chris headed home. Dan was leaning on Clarence with all his weight.

“You just had to drink as soon as possible, didn’t you?” Clarence asked.

“You just had to be attractive.” Dan retaliated.

Clarence swept Dan up bridal style and headed for their apartment.

“You just have to be the cutest man cookie on earth?”

“Carry me to bed.” Dan drunkenly ordered.

“You really want me to?” Clarence asked in the front doorway. “Don’t mind if I do.” Clarence closed the door with his foot and did as he was told, laying down on top of Dan and pinning his wrists above his head.

“What are you gonna do with me??” Dan playfully asked.

Clarence softly cupped Dan’s cheek. “I’m gonna do this,” He proceeded to shower his boyfriend’s neck in kisses. 

Dan laughed, squirming under Clarence. “Nooo!” And then he started to snore. Clarence pulled away to look at Dan.

“Dan, are you-??” Clarence’s suspicions were confirmed when he saw Dan’s eyes closed. Dan passed out. Immediately. Clarence sat next to his sleeping boyfriend.

Welp, that's disappointing.

**Author's Note:**

> I have many regrets


End file.
